No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
how does that bad decision feel?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
