There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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