put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
