I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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