I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
