Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
