so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There's always time for handjobs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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