11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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