Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
