Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
