i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
