Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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