Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
