It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
