i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
A bitchslap is in order.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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