So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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