I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
