I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
