it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
