Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize