drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
