I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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