drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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