The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
