Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have tasted many bathrooms
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
