just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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