Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
