I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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