Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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