i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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