I faked an abortion last night.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
