Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
