Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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