I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
