When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
