"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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