he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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