They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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