I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize