Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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