she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
