my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
