mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
