He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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