At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
