Will you blow on my dice?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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