Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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