Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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