he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
