Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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