Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
