You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
how does that bad decision feel?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
