saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
