i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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