his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
