I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
